4. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. Your habits become your values. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. Positive affirmations are a longstanding practice for those of us who need a little extra daily encouragement, and the best part isthey're free and they're flexible! Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. A wishbone. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. - Marcus Tullius Cicero. 194. As long as I have best friends as weird as me, I have everything., 10. 67. Start as soon as you wake up in the morning. 108. 26. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. Heres a giant list of funny affirmations to help you relax your mind with a little humor when youre stressed. I am grateful for all that I have. I dont suffer from insanity. 62 Funny Inspirational Quotes to Motivate Your Team Cindy from Marzahn Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks. He who laughs last didnt get it. 199. So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. 252. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. But you're not as old as you're going to be.". 79. 130. Robert A. Heinlein, 243. My future is a golden, sparkly, explosion of fucking awesomeness. You can only be young once. It will just flow naturally. 217. May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive. I try to see the funny side of every situation. Sincerely, the floor. 191. "Have a great Wednesday. This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed. Get help beating negative thinking by reciting positive affirmation every day. 218. 22. 8. 39 funny positive affirmations. 36. Why is England the wettest country? If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. Can February march? The only power you have is the word no. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. It will have a positive effect on your mind and body, and form an association between affirmations and a happy feeling. Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? These 50 funny affirmations will help you feel better about yourself while keeping a wide smile on your face. No, but April may. No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart., 4. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Milton Berle Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. It will warm you twice unknown. All you need is love. Im lovely because everyone likes me more than Monday morning!, 7. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. 147. 249. 112. Youre basically a houseplant with complicated emotions., 11. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full. I am way dumb than my mom keeps blabbering about me to the neighbors aunt. 51. 62. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. 201. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. Sincerely, yourself., 2. I'm sorry, I have to quickly disable alarm level brown. - Bette Midler. Not everyone has to like me. 196. 21. Ive been doing nothing for years. 169. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. 45. 227. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. I will never let anyone treat me like a yellow starburst. Take a look! Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny. 40 Short Positive Affirmations + Free Printable - Dare Your Lifestyle 262. All you need is love. Using affirmations can significantly impact your outlook on life, but saying such serious statements to yourself can often make you feel silly. 205. Affirmations can either be written down, spoken out loud, or visualized in the form of a conversation between money and you. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. 260. I never apologize. If I lose my hopes, I am afraid my mom will still scold me for taking it out and showing it to friends. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember. Best friends eat your food. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. What is the tallest building in the entire world? -Gandhi. The thing is, Im still getting ready. I live in a loving, nurturing, safe, and beautiful world. The world is missing some pizzazz. God has never abandoned me. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. 181. Even if youre a skeptic, you must admit these funny affirmations really work. Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. 167. Exercise? 207. Its a door, thats how they work. 97. Some when they enter, some when they leave. 10. 248. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. Focus on the positives and be grateful. 26. "If you see me talking to myself. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! Rodney Dangerfield. 268. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. A mind is like a parachute. 6. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. 65. Finally, if you want a simple tool to record and recite these affirmations, then check out these 13 affirmations apps that help you create a positive mindset. 270. Envelope. I'm a peli-can! I breathe in and out. Youre talking to yourself. 28. 64 Funny Quotes About Life That Are Painfully Accurate What do you call a bear with no teeth? 219. I give over my anxiety to God, knowing His peace will protect my heart and mind. Be careful when you follow the masses. 110. 213. 5. I am here to live to the fullest. 266. 56. You might undoubtedly relate with them, and yet you will not feel laid back because of your weaknesses. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? Why did the can crusher quit his job? Trust me, your secrets are safe with me and all of my friends. Today, I choose to put on my positive pants. 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter 64. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. My chins are a stairway to heaven. I honor that time. Pat Sajak, 41. My jokes do. No matter what I look like. - Christopher Reeve. Rather, the goal is to help kids recognize the truth, in situations and in themselves. 180. 79. 75. 214. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. 277. I should have theme music every time I enter a room. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. I understand success cant happen overnight. - F. Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. 204. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. 132. Here is a list for you that has all the funny affirmations: I am making myself laugh every time I say any sarcastic word. 72. Czech proverb Love your enemies. Today, I am thankful for this week. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. 27. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. 3. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. I love my job only when Im on vacation. What do I do for a living? 37. 87. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. And get over it. How do trees access the internet? I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. 13. Ken Dodd, 255. So put on your favorite song, take a deep breath, and say these affirmations during your next tough time for some much-needed positivity! 108. 7. I enjoy every minute of it. Happy Birthday.". 110 Positive Funny Affirmations To Make You Smile Daily - The Random Vibez 157. 275. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. These little phrases can be said aloud or written down anywhere to remind yourself that everything will turn out okay. P.D. Benjamin Franklin. Superwoman: single. Hes dreaming too. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. Swimming trunks. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! 55. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Theres life without Facebook and internet? My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. 3. 60. About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact 2023 Quotement. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. The following is the list of some humorous affirmations for you: I am doing all the amazing things because I am an amazing human being. I did not trip and fall. 249. 47. 176. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way., See also: 120 Best Spiritual Universe Quotes To Contemplate Life. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. Repeat the affirmation as many times as you see fit. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes: Short Holiday Sayings - Parade A gummy bear. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours., 6. In life, sometimes you just need to break the tension with a little humor. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go., 5. But you can always be immature. Lily Tomlin, 242. I hope you enjoyed this article on funny affirmations! "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". If I am willing to go back to bed when I wake up, I will go and make up the bed. Effective pushing often involves poop. - Kyle Chandler. The older I get, the more I start ignoring my friends. They are a powerful tool you can use to change your attitude, your perspective on life and shift from a negative to a positive mindset. 224. 61. Inspiring Quotes About Life "Here, we like to keep you inspired by showing you beautiful words of wisdom based . If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Frances McDormand 158. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. I just go normal from time to time. 7. Begin your days with these powerful, funny affirmations for self-esteem. Short Funny Quotes. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. So far, so good. 60 Happy Affirmations That Instantly Make You Feel Better Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! Life is filled with highs and lows, stress and anxiety, so sometimes some funny and positive words will help you lighten up on an encouraging note. 150. Bill Murray. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? 160. Find a short calm and peaceful moment in your day and use it for setting your mindset up for happiness. Being funny seems to be taking less effort. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. I celebrate the highs, learn from the lows and now I release it into the past. 18. 142. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. I breathe in and out. Ben Hogan. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. 193. I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. Funny Affirmation Quotes - ShortQuotes.cc I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. Lily Tomlin Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. Nobody is listening, but you still feel embarrassed. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. - Roy T. Bennett. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? Dave Barry Use this space for describing your block. 263. 4. Milton Berle, 245. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. 41. It just plain forms. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. No matter what a mess I am, my kids adore me. Just like every Monday does on Earth. Short Funny Affirmations - Finally, I'm Revealing My Secret I can believe in myself for 5 minutes. A backbone. 118. Not everyone has good taste. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. 35. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. 103. 140. 59. Good morning! You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. Its a door, thats how they work. Thank God Im an atheist. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. Funny Affirmations - Etsy Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. Alison Boulter 161. Never take life seriously. I make a difference by showing up fully. Stuart Turner 49. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. Mind blown! Can February march? I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. 153. Dont let anything or anyone stop you from achieving what you truly aspire. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. Franklin Jones I will be the type of person I would like my children to become. Read next: 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. You try again, but no sound is coming out. "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. 103. You can make friends and have good relationships if you believe in your sense of humor and fill your mind with funny and positive thoughts. 39. We have rounded up the best collection of funny affirmations, quotes, sayings, captions, positive thoughts (with images and pictures) to encourage friends and family to manifest their thoughts into things. Ann Landers 137. Here are the 200 best sarcastic quotes, from funny comments, sayings, and phrases dripping with snarky sarcasm. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. - Catherine Pulsifer. Today I was a hero. A backbone. Bill Murray, 251. 109. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. 149. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. Also read: 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams. 44. What is Mozart doing right now? Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? My body deserves healthy food and exercise, not junk food or laziness. "You're in mint condition for a vintage model. It may feel useless but just get into it. 220. 60. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? 223. 20. Wilson Mizner, 262. Its scary when it disappears. If you are looking for a way to get more laughs in your day, try some of these funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. 67. My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. Today I will embrace the poop. 8. Take a dose of encouragement from your positive affirmations whenever youre feeling down. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. Swimming trunks. Art doesnt transform. 143. 93. 279. People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness. George Burns, 253. Say "Thank You" - A Motivational Video On The Importance Of - YouTube I am loving all the bad experiences because they are giving me something . Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? 36. 11. 26. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese, 9. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. Everyone brings happiness to this office. 233. 40 Apology Paragraph For Her To Say Im Sorry, 80 Cute Relationship Quotes For Sweet Couples In Love, 50 Doubt In Relationship Quotes To Rebuild Trust, 75 Sad Broken Relationship Quotes To Fix Your Heartbreak, 70 Relationship Honesty Quotes On Love, Trust & Loyalty, 80 Relationship Sorry Quotes To Apologize To Your Love, 65 Disney Quotes About Family That Will Warm Your Heart, 90 Best Shrek Quotes From The Funny Ogre Movie, 80 Blended Family Quotes To Share With Your Loved Ones, 90 Female Fitness Quotes For Women Who Workout. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. 119 Positive Affirmations For Women To Use Daily - Live Bold and Bloom Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. Stop playing with me., 6. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. Live life to the fullest. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. Erma Bombeck. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. When nothing is going right, go left. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. - Bob Hope. It may look like Im doing nothing, but in my head, Im quite busy. When I grow up to be a parent, my children will think the same about me. 77. He who laughs last didnt get it. "May your yoga pants be stretchy, your coffee be strong and your Wednesday be short.". Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. 47. Dave Barry. What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. 126. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. My to-do list doesnt include dealing with negative people. 39 Funny Positive Affirmations [Feel Happier Instantly] 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. Daily affirmation: your hair is so much better than it was in middle school., 2. Pleasing everyone, thats impossible. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. Funny Affirmations. Your values become your destiny. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. What is the tallest building in the entire world? The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water, Id drink it. Steve Martin Things are getting better all the time. I dont cross oceans for people who wouldnt cross puddles for me. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. 6. Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. 4. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. 2. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. 146. 168. Microchips. 43. 5. In the morning, I cant get up. I'm doing great. 265. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. 121. 196. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. 66. Im like a postage stamp. 213. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. 274. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well., 13. 234. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. Enjoy! Ann Landers, 244. They planet. I create my life on a quantum level. 279. 135. If at first, you dont succeed, so much for skydiving. Its scary when it disappears. 193. 24. You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. You can write them on sticky notes to set on your mirror, on the notes app in your phone for on-the-go encouragement, or you can simply memorize your favorites and recite . Bill Murray, 260. I tried, but they wanted cash. George Burns 217. Robert A. Heinlein Heres a list of funny affirmations that will improve your mood instantly. (John 14:27) 27. 38. Sam Levenson. "I receive what I believe.". If Monday had a face, I would punch it. Robert Bloch. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. Never judge a book by its movie. 136. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. 2. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. Sincerely, yourself. Happiness is a choice. Funny affirmations youll find here will boost your confidence and make you laugh. 33. Not me, but somebody does. I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. All rights reserved. 71. You never run out of things that can go wrong. It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 9. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. What is Mozart doing right now? I want to afford them., 2. Take some time each day to go through these funny affirmations for self-esteem and see how your mood shifts in response. When and How to Let Them Know, How To Cheer Yourself Up When Feeling Down, 5 Things To Discuss With Your Partner Before Marriage, Funny Positive Affirmations For Self-Esteem, 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams, 70+ Positive Affirmations For Teens From Parents. Albert King. 54. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor. 84. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. Snowballs. 275. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. Sincerely, yourself. 184. Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. 175. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. When they go away, its a brighter day. Short people with an umbrella. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. People who talk behind my back are getting a great view. When life closes a door, just open it again. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. 100. Billy Wilder. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. 114. Ive been doing nothing for years. Expect nothing and appreciate everything.
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